The Illusion: The Race to the Top

​My heart buzzes with excitement and possibility in this picture-perfect New England summer day. Not a cloud in the sky, a gentle breeze and a comfortable 78 degrees. The kind of day we suffer those long winters for. 

I was thrilled to be joining my team on our annual summer outing sailing along the Boston Harbor. Thanks boss!

My mouth watered at the sight of the lobster rolls, oysters, artisanal beer, champagne and all the delicacies we could dream of. My boss pulled me aside and commended me on my hard work and incredible results. I was being considered for making partner. I felt amazing. The beer buzz maybe helped a little.

What else would one ask for?

I was on top of the world. I always reached for “the top”.

In high school and university reaching for the top meant getting straight As and graduating from an Ivy League university Magna Cum Laude. Then in my 20s while working on Wall St. at AIG reaching for the top was becoming the #1 underwriter (they ranked all 200 of us weekly) based on the revenue I earned the company. 

Post MBA (from MIT Sloan, mind you) reaching for the top meant getting promoted and making partner, which meant doing anything that enabled my company to earn 15% or more revenue over the previous year, and then the same or more the year after that.

Knee-deep in the pandemic (December, 2020) and uprooted from the patterns and events that enable us to know what day of the week, or even what month, it is, I couldn't forget that my 40th birthday was soon approaching.

The familiar birthday stress started to creep in like the longer nights of winter -- a desire to “feel special”, to be remembered, to feel loved. The shadows of birthdays forgotten loomed ominously closer.

Subconsciously I would always remember who remembered me, who gave me what, how much that represented how special I was to them. Or not. 

This time would be different. I was being called to look deeper; my wiser self was practically yelling at me to give to myself what I needed all these years. 

And so I arranged to spend my 40th birthday, by myself, in five days of silence, in the middle of "nowhere". 

Below I describe my preparation, experience and key learnings. I share this in hopes that you will consider incorporating time with yourself (whether in silence or simply on retreat, for a day or even an hour) into your life. 

You are not your thoughts. Repeat, “I am not my thoughts”. 

“Well, wait a minute,” says one of our executive leadership participants on a recent call. “I have a thought, I take an action, then another action and another thought. Someone else isn’t having those thoughts, so how am I not my thoughts?”

“If you’re having the thought, then how can you BE the thought?," I reply. "You are the awareness behind the thought."

(Cue confused look with a mix of “Aha!” and a bit of “Wait, what?!”)

I think therefore I am... NOT my thoughts
French philosopher René Descartes coined the term Cogito ergo sum, or “I think therefore I am.” He believed that thoughts are evidence we exist.

However, if we are aware of our thoughts, how can we be the thoughts? If we hear the voice in our head, are we not the awareness behind the voice? 

“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” — Eckhart Tolle

The average person has between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts per day, according to a 2005 study by the National Science Foundation. But what’s thought-provoking about the research (pun intended!) is that 80% of thoughts are negative or fear-based, and 95% of thoughts are repetitive. 

While that may sound shocking, it’s evidence of our “Negativity Bias” and why we’re far more likely to focus on an insult amidst a stream of compliments or to focus on a small failure in a career full of successes. 

Our brains are wired to look for problems and detect threats, an evolutionary gain that kept our ancestors alive and able to detect and run away from predators or danger. Now we have to consciously work harder to stay “above the line”. ​

Hacking our negativity bias
The Four Noble Truths (the core teachings in Buddhism) summarized below highlight a way out of negativity and give us a starting point to explore the deeper questions of who we are.

1. Suffering is inevitable
2. The cause of suffering is attachment
3. We can end the cause of suffering through detachment
4. Detachment comes by following the Eightfold path 

We signed up for our suffering
Let’s consider the first point that suffering is inevitable. During our lives there will be loss, challenges, moments of despair. Suffering is inevitable, but why? 

One theory of why we exist is that we are born for our soul to go to “Earth school” and our experiences are things we signed up for; courses in “Grief, Forgiveness, Despair,” for example. We can consider those of us who have experienced serious traumas as getting “masters and PhDs” in these lessons as we move and evolve toward higher consciousness. 

If reading this makes you upset and think, “how could my painful experience with (death, loss, betrayal, violation, etc.) be something I signed up for, this is ludicrous!”, bear with me and let’s take a moment to consider the second point. ​

We all do it. The voice in our heads is the meanest, most critical and nastiest against oneself. If you’ve ever been yelled at or on the receiving end of spiteful and mean behavior, you’re only getting a taste of how this person treats themselves.

The way we treat ourselves translates directly into how we treat our planet (and vice versa). In order to find love and compassion for our “various parts”, we need to be aware of our inner critics and the parts within ourselves we don’t want to see or accept. 

Even I fall victim to this “beating myself up” behavior

Recently I made a familiar mistake. I learned (again) that I need to keep boundaries in place so as not to burnout and “over-give”. I’ve learned this lesson about a million times before. 

I started down the same, “Oh you idiot, I can’t believe you did this again… you should know better”. Mindful awareness allowed me to identify that I was being too hard on myself. But sometimes recognition alone isn’t enough and the self-loathing and frustration can feel like a deep pit you’re unable to dig yourself out of.
​
However, beating yourself up is the most SELFISH and EGOTISTICAL thing you do 

When we get upset with ourselves, we are really just disappointed that we are not fitting our idealized image of ourselves. Or worse, that our self-image is shattered. This can be the biggest letdown. 

“It is mere [selfishness] to be inconsolable at seeing one’s own imperfections; but to stand face to face with them, neither flattering nor tolerating them, seeking to correct oneself without becoming pettish - this is to desire what is good for its own sake” - Fenelon as quoted by Huxley in Perennial Philosophy. 

​In releasing our attachment to the image of who we are, i.e. letting go of attachment to ego, we are able to accept our whole selves. 

The ancient texts from India are pretty clear about the need to stay away from attachment; “Attachment breeds desire, the lust of possession that burns to anger. Anger clouds the judgement; you can no longer learn from past mistakes. Lost is the power to choose between what is wise and what is unwise, and your life is utter waste.” (Bhagavad Gita, 2.62)

Recognizing we are not our thoughts

We are not our thoughts. We are not the voice(s) we hear in our heads. So who are we? 

“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” — Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

“Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Suffering follows an evil thought as the wheels of a cart follow the oxen that draw it. Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves.” (Dhammapada, 1.1-2)

The next time you hear that self-criticizing voice in your head, ask yourself what you’re really upset about, and who’s really affected. And ask yourself, where am I putting my energy? Is this where I want to be placing it? 

The path to self-love and compassion starts with a letting go of and a detachment from ego. 

“Those who see all creatures in themselves and themselves in all creatures know no grief. How can the multiplicity of life delude the one who sees it’s unity?” (Isha Upanishad, 6)

Maybe you were yelled at as a kid or told you weren't good enough. So now everything you do is somehow “not good enough” and you’re always chasing the next promotion, or big win.

Maybe you watched your parents have a big fight that enhanced your sense of guilt. You take on everyone else’s problems and that immense sense of responsibility is a heavy weight you carry on your back. 

Maybe worse.  

Our childhood experiences, traumas and patterns of being shape our subconscious mind, which is responsible for 90-95% of our brain activity.

Every day we choose how to see the world and thus
​co-create our reality. 

We walk by a friend and wave from afar. She ignores us. We spend the next hour wondering why she didn't acknowledge us, or what we’ve done to upset her. We may even act out further. (The friend didn’t see you waving…).

We believe we are alone and shut out those we love, burn bridges and suddenly our fear becomes our reality. 

Oh, the stories we create in our heads!

All this subconscious programming CAN BE ALIGNED with consciousness. There is a way of becoming more aware of our thoughts AND THERE IS A WAY to repattern your subconscious.

I taught a 90 min practice on repatterning the subconscious using yoga and affirmations to balance the chakras on the Spring Equinox. If you missed it, you can watch the intro talk here.

In this post-pandemic and mostly working from home era, the lines between work-life and home-life  balance have blurred. Maybe that's a good thing.

We now greet our colleagues with occasional visitors passing in the background (partners, children, pets) and while we may be physically separated, in some ways we've gained greater insight into each others' lives. We are after all, a whole person, not just the role we play at work. 

As we begin to integrate our whole selves in our work, we can expand this integration using the ancient chakra system. This comprehensive system enables us to recognize the interconnectedness between our emotional, physical and mental well-being. When our chakras or "centers of energy" are flowing freely, we find balance in our day-to-day lives; we are healthy, able to cope naturally with the ups and downs of our existence.

When our chakras are out of balance, we have a tendency toward certain negative behaviors; we even have chronic health conditions associated with this area of imbalance. If left unchecked this "dis-ease" of the flow of our energy leads to disease.

​The ROOTSilience Leadership Course is oriented around the chakra system to guide us into connecting conscious leadership with food and yoga as medicine. Within each chakra, we explore associated leadership qualities, where we may over or underuse them, and how to recognize and bring into balance the associated emotions and physical symptoms using yoga, meditation and healing foods. 

For more on the chakras, check out the above intro video from our course.​

Anodea Judith's book, "Wheels of Life"
​This is the most comprehensive book on the chakra system. I love how Judith weaves in ancient teachings, current science and how we can consider our society as collectively "rising through the chakras". Each chakra has a beautiful meditation, key info and a discussion of the greater applications of the chakra, from our personal health and well-being to what we see showing up in the world. There are also several practices and ways to bring the chakra into balance. 

Christiane Northrup's book, "Women's Wisdom, Women's Bodies"
I'll never forget when my friend Maria gave me this book. That's when I first started to recognize the connection between my own chronic health issues and my emotional well-being. Dr. Northrup is an OBGYN and this book gives a fantastic balance of her own story, scientific and anecdotal evidence on the biochemical reactions that accompany emotional states, plus it has an "encyclopedia-like" look up feature to quickly look up any condition and it's possible emotional / mental imbalance. 

The breeze is blowing stronger, beaches are emptying and while we don't get fall foliage in the Azores I can certainly feel the erratic intensity that comes with the seasonal shift from summer to autumn.

Everyone I speak to is feeling a bit overwhelmed. My invitation to students to slow down and tune into the rhythms of nature are falling on deaf ears. 

The boundaries between work and home are blurred with never ending calls and more ways to stay connected to everyone else but ourselves. 

This shouldn't be a time to go off the edge.

That's why I'm sharing my Top 10 Time Management Tips for Leaders video from my Mindful Business Leader course. 

I had been promoted for my stellar performance as an environmental insurance underwriter for AIG, and I had uprooted my life from New York City to Boston as the company invited me to breathe some life back into a region that had been falling behind. But in those first few weeks the promotion felt more like a curse than a well-deserved reward. I could feel the resentment in the looks of my colleagues. I found myself questioning whether I could truly be a Leader.

Now, nearly 15 years later, after an MBA at the prestigious MIT Sloan School of Management, running a management consulting practice and leaving everything I knew to start a boutique travel business in the Azores, Portugal, I have no doubt about being a leader. A leader is someone who follows his or her purpose and serves selflessly for the greater good, 

Let me say that again: A leader is someone who follows his or her purpose and serves selflessly for the greater good, inspiring others along the way. Let’s break that down a bit. 

[A leader is someone who follows his or her purpose…]

​What is purpose? Do you know yours? How do you know whether you are living and leading in alignment with your purpose. Or not?

When you live your purpose it’s like a puzzle piece clicks into place, enabling you to see and BE part of the bigger picture. When you click into your purpose the other pieces fall into place and you naturally inspire and motivate others.

​[A Leader is someone who follows his or her purpose… and serves selflessly]

​This is a biggie. Leadership is service. It’s not about winning awards and titles and gaining fame and notoriety (although these things will naturally flow when you do what you love simply because you love it).

Leadership is serving without expectation or attachment to results. Do you seek external validation on whether you’re good enough? Sure, awards and recognition are great marketing but can you be proud of yourself (and your team and company) without someone else telling you how great you are? 

Author, activist and Professor Charles Eistenstein talks about "Life as a Gift": We didn't earn fresh air, we didn't earn our breath, nor the right to live. So naturally, we have a desire to give back. When we can share our gifts selflessly with the world, we are living our purpose. 

Serving selflessly is living your purpose, using your unique talents and gifts toward something you love, simply because that is the purest expression of who you are. P.s. this is the secret to life.

Who comes to mind when you think about a Leader? ​

Hitler certainly motivated and inspired millions of people, but to commit unspeakable atrocities that are still felt today.

Was he a leader? How about Gandhi?

[A leader is someone who follows his or her purpose and serves selflessly... for the greater good]

​This is where I start to veer off from the traditional metrics and definitions of leadership.

But I’m not alone. Harvard Business Review's global CEO ranking recently wrote: "Since 2015 our ranking has been based not only on financial performance but also on environmental, social, and governance (ESG) ratings." Jeff Bezos used to top these lists based on net worth and financial performance but since HBR implemented its revised criteria, he dropped from #1 to #87. This year he's not even on the list.

Leadership is increasingly becoming about serving the needs of our community and planet, and not just seeking profit. This is what I call being a mindful business leader. 

Maybe it was knowing that my colleagues didn’t believe I deserved that promotion, or maybe I instinctively knew that by doing my best and doing good for my team everything would soon be okay. In the end, I’m grateful that so many years later I am still in touch with my old team and I’ve even convinced a few to make a trip over to our lodge in the Azores! ​

1
Grounding
While sitting in your chair allow your feet to be flat on the ground. Relax your arms and shoulders and place your hands in your lap. Start to feel the chair underneath you. Feel the ground under your feet. Wiggle your toes a bit. Take a deep breath and feel that you’re sending your awareness down into the ground. With every exhale feel yourself softening a bit into the support of the chair and floor. Feel whatever intensity you’re experiencing flow out through your feet into the ground. Allow yourself to sit up tall but relax your feet, legs, belly, shoulders, jaw. Take a few more breaths here and allow yourself to ground down into the earth and recharge.

Why it works
If electricity isn’t grounded, there’s a chance for an electrical surge and a frying of your system. In the same way we can get “electric” with intense emotions. When we consciously feel the chair underneath us and the ground under our feet we are “grounding” this intense energy. Emotion is just “energy in motion” and the ability to send your attention down and relax the body allows your energy to ground and for you to find the center.


2
Orienting
Take a look around the room, slowly. Inhale, look to your right; notice the texture and color of what you’re seeing, notice what you smell or hear. Then slowly exhale as you move your head slowly and look to the left. Take in all that you’re seeing but stay focused on your breath. Just observe, no judging of what is good or bad, or what needs organizing or fixing. Just noticing. What do you hear? Inhale slowly turning toward the center and then looking up, noticing what’s above you. Then exhale, looking down noticing what you’re wearing, the texture and material of the floor. Continue in this way a few more breaths, looking around, orienting yourself to your space, taking in the sights, textures, smells and sounds as you anchor in your breath, and this present moment. 

Why it works
The thalamus is the part of our brain that takes in sights, smells and sensory input and decodes them to signal safety or danger to our nervous system. When we automatically slam on the brakes before we realize we’ve nearly slammed into the car that just stopped in front of us for example, it’s the rapid-fire signal of the thalamus to the amygdala (fear center of the brain) that causes this swift response. That fear signal is so strong, however, that when we are stressed, whether it be an email, anxiety about the future or replaying the past, our nervous system reacts in the same way as if we were about to crash, and we go into fight or flight mode. Orienting calms the nervous system by using the senses to send signals of safety to our nervous system, stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system response, i.e slowing down the heart-rate, releasing serotonin, relaxing the muscles and continuing digestion.

​3
Hands to Heart-Belly
Sitting comfortably with feet on the ground or legs crossed, bring your left hand to the center of your chest and the right hand to your belly just above the belly button with shoulders relaxed and neck soft. Take a deep breath in and feel your chest rise and expand and as you exhale gently press your hand into your chest to expel the air completely out. On your next inhale breathe further down and maybe your belly expands with this deeper abdominal breath (if you don’t feel your belly expand just imagine your breath moving down and have the intention of expansion). As you exhale feel your belly soften and gently press the hand into your belly to feel a complete exhale. Take a few more breaths this way, alternating between feeling the chest and back of heart expanding, and then the belly and lower back. Breathing in and out through the nose if possible and then slowly start to lengthen the exhale, i.e. spend more time exhaling than inhaling.

Why it works
The autonomic nervous system is the part of our nervous system that controls automatic functions like our heartbeat, our body temperature, digestion and breathing. These things happen automatically in response to what’s happening around us; however, when we are stressed our body reacts just like it was under a serious physical threat. Breathing, is one of the ways we can access our autonomic nervous system and consciously activate a calming response. The other way is touch. When we place our hands on our chest and belly and consciously breathe into different places while feeling our breath, we are using two of the “ways in” to our nervous system to find balance. We are also stimulating the vagus nerve, which connects the brain to our heart, lungs and stomach and is responsible for calming the nervous system. ​​