Going within; a dance with silence

I marked my 40th birthday with five days of silence on a self-designed personal retreat. I healed decades of not giving myself what I truly needed and want to share this powerful experience with you.

Knee-deep in the pandemic (December, 2020) and uprooted from the patterns and events that enable us to know what day of the week, or even what month, it is, I couldn't forget that my 40th birthday was soon approaching.

The familiar birthday stress started to creep in like the longer nights of winter -- a desire to “feel special”, to be remembered, to feel loved. The shadows of birthdays forgotten loomed ominously closer.

Subconsciously I would always remember who remembered me, who gave me what, how much that represented how special I was to them. Or not. 

This time would be different. I was being called to look deeper; my wiser self was practically yelling at me to give to myself what I needed all these years. 

And so I arranged to spend my 40th birthday, by myself, in five days of silence, in the middle of "nowhere". 

Below I describe my preparation, experience and key learnings. I share this in hopes that you will consider incorporating time with yourself (whether in silence or simply on retreat, for a day or even an hour) into your life. 

Preparations
I arranged a stay in a restored house in the remote village of Sanguinho, accessed only by foot, nestled in the hillside with a view to the parish of Faial da Terra below. I might as well have been on the other side of the world, separated by the tallest mountain range of São Miguel from my home, a winding and serpentine one-hour drive away. 

I contemplated staying home for my retreat (I live at a retreat and learning center). However, home is also my office and I knew I needed to be away for this time, away from staff, from João, and from the temptations to always be “doing”.  

Logistics
I laid out specific intentions for the retreat, one of which was “to simply BE”. I knew that being alone in silence for five days, on my own for meals and for my entire day-to-day was going to be “a lot” so I planned ways I could be supported:

• I organized my schedule a few weeks in advance to let my yoga students and clients know I’d be away and set up my out of office responder on email. This prep was critical for me to know I could truly disconnect from my phone and email and have no responsibilities during this time.
  
  
• I crafted, with the help of João, a simple meal plan, made a list of what I planned to bring (my crystals, journals, candles, oracle cards), as well as rain gear and warm clothing.
  
  
• I brought music and a few books so I wasn’t being too austere or hard on myself. I decided it wasn’t okay to bring a bunch of fiction books but I did want to have the Yoga Sutras and the Bhagavad Gita with me (reading felt like a distraction, but the sacred texts aligned with my intention to deepen my practice).
  
  
• I turned off all my phone notifications so I wouldn’t be tempted or get “sucked in” and set an intention to not look at email or social media until the last day (my birthday).
  
  
• I agreed with João to check in once a day by text so he could rest easy and I wasn’t totally isolated from the world. 

And so it was, on Monday, Nov. 30, 2020 the afternoon of the powerful full moon lunar eclipse, I arrived and settled into my home for the days ahead: a gorgeous stone cottage with a wood burning stove heater, a kitchen, and a beautiful bathtub. The bathtub was a very pleasant surprise <3

Day One Adventures
As soon as I bid adieu to the owner, who left me with the keys, I realized the house had no toilet paper. Luckily I had brought a roll with me (but just one!). While the village has staff they had left for the day and the following day was a holiday. Almost immediately, panic crept in and every time I had to pee there was an inordinate amount of anxiety around how much toilet paper I could use; Would I have enough to last me two days? Should I measure the whole thing and ration off squares? 

It’s amazing how the mind works (broods, goes a bit crazy…?).

Meanwhile I was distracted from the toilet paper fiasco by the realization that I was all alone and the main door to the house shut in such a way that if I ever left the house without my keys I would be completely locked out. My imagination ran wild for a bit, seeing myself locked out in the middle of the night, wandering around in slippers huddled under a tree. 

There goes that mind again...

I had to trust. I was going to be okay.

I decided it was time to smudge the house. 

I lit my cedar bundle along with some dried lavender and called out for protection and support from my wiser self and “spirit team”, and while waving the smoke my intention was to clear any old, stagnant, or negative energies. Amazing what a little energy cleansing can do. 

That afternoon I walked around the village of Sanguinho, wandered the meandering paths among fruit trees and at each turn noticed something new and different, and strikingly beautiful.

The fluffy moss beckoned me, I followed the path to a partially completed mud hut sauna, feeling that I was inside the womb of Mother Earth. Another path to bright pink camellia flowers, and following the sounds of a running brook nearby I noticed just how many different plants, mosses and ferns make up the grass we normally just pass by. My afternoon meander was cut short by a sudden downpour and luckily I was just steps from home.

Returning to the house (yes I had my keys!), it was time to light the wood stove. Starting the fire was yet another Day 1 Adventure. João lights all our fires at home and the last time I started a fire, I um, set a small part of our house on fire… so I wanted to be extra careful. 

My fire adventure must have lasted over an hour, fiddling with the chute and the amount of air coming in. At one point the entire house was filled with smoke and I was grateful for the wind gusts that cleared the air. Finally I had a beautiful crackling fire, enjoyed a calming yin yoga practice and turned my attention to dinner.

Ah, eating in silence, I had a simple dinner and luckily no major adventures during this part of the day ;-). After dinner I spent some time listening to music and sipping herbal tea and I read a few of the Yoga Sutras before I drifted off to sleep.

In the days that followed 
I would wake up and avoid looking at any time-telling devices, have a glass of water and head straight to the terrace for morning yoga. While I have had a daily personal practice for a few years now I am almost always aware of the time and the days’ to-dos ahead. During this retreat, however, I took my time and practiced what and how I wanted, for as long as I liked. Who knew what time it was, who cared?! 

After practice I took my time making breakfast. Apparently a bit too much time the first morning as the bread I put into the toaster oven was burnt to a crisp! 

The December low-pressure weather system of sun, then rain, then wind, then more rain meant I spent some mornings writing, reflecting and just gazing out the window. Usually by mid-morning the weather cleared and I would go for a hike. The village sits in one of the most stunning trail systems on the island and I enjoyed walks in the village and the various trails.

Hiking in silence enabled me to really soak up all the beauty around. I noticed so many little details and heard my every step. I was fully present in each moment and stopped every so often to pick a fallen flower or leaf on the ground. Amazing what treasures nature always has for us if we’re willing to be present enough to receive them. 

Post hike I often enjoyed some yin yoga and writing and made time for evening cooking. I’ve always believed in the practice of “food as medicine” and without any rushing I was able to start cooking dinners with intention, lighting a candle and playing some mantras, and cooking while fully present. I must say the meals were absolutely delectable.

After dinner I would sit in the lounge chair, sipping herbal tea, sometimes listening to music, sometimes in stillness, allowing myself to simply be. What a true luxury.

Before bed I drew a hot bath, often with the petals of flowers or leaves I had found during my hikes earlier in the day. After the bath I spent time doing self-massage and gave myself Reiki. I had started my menstruation and this was by far the most nourishing period I had ever had. Interestingly and maybe not surprisingly, I had almost no cramps or discomfort that usually comes with my monthly cycle. I wished that every woman could have this deep self care time and set an intention for that.

One evening, warmed from my bath and self-care practices, I stepped onto the terrace to gaze up at the clear winter sky. Flanked on all sides by mountain ranges I felt like I was peering into a magical star-studded bowl. Suddenly I caught a glimpse of a shooting star. It felt like an eternity in that moment; the rustle of the trees, the infinite expansiveness of the stars, my breath, and being in it and part of it all. 

Sanguinho is truly magical. 

BEING and not DOING
I definitely had to be mindful not to get into “doing” mode, i.e. feeling I need to do X amount of yoga each day or spend a certain amount of time writing. It helped that I was on my cycle and a bit more physically tired so it was easier to follow the call to just rest, sit and observe. 

I was able to BE by listening, feeling and allowing my body and intuition to guide me. After the first day in silence this became much easier as we need time to make the shift from constantly being “on” to allow ourselves to go within, and with our own flow.

Ceremony + Celebration
The day before my birthday I walked to the famous Salto do Prego waterfall. I have had a belly button ring since I was 16 years old, and I only ever changed it once so the little piece of metal on my tummy was holding around 20 years of accumulated experience and energy. I thought about all the incredible experiences that have made me who I am today, the joyful moments as well as the challenging ones, the lessons learned. I took some time to remember all that I was grateful for while holding this ring in my hands, filling it with this gratitude. I then stood from the top where the water cascades down the cliff and released the ring to the waterfall, asking her to accept my love and carry away and release anything that no longer served me. 

Upon releasing the ring to the waterfall, to say I was overwhelmed with emotion would be an understatement. I truly felt the waterfall respond and I felt lighter, filled with tears of release, joy and all the feels. 

Later that evening I entered the mud hut and took some time to honor all that I experienced and intentionally share it with all of humanity. I know that when each of us heals and releases, we do it for all of consciousness. 

A note on ceremony: Ceremony (and even ritual) has long been part of our culture and lives; think about your morning “rituals” (coffee, exercise, etc.) or the “ceremony” of the holidays or family gatherings. Ceremonies don’t need to be anything heavy or weird, or instill fear or discomfort. Rather, they are opportunities to connect, honor and be present with the sacredness that is. In the future I’ll write more about how I enter into ceremony, but anyone can do it and it’s a very special practice. 

The Big Day 
It was day five of my silent retreat and I was giddy with excitement to wake up on my 40th birthday on December 4!

The night before I had made a birthday card for my younger self and put out a few “gifts”. (Before the trip I had gone shopping for my “younger self”, the me that felt so let down when my birthday was forgotten or I didn’t get any gifts). There’s just nothing like tearing open the wrapping paper on your big day (even if you know what’s inside!). 

Needless to say I started my birthday and the decade of being in my 40s feeling 100% content and fulfilled in my own skin. Yes it would be great to hear from folks and maybe even receive a few surprises but there’s no way I would feel disappointed or let down. Ever again. 

I have everything I need. I can give myself what I need. I can openly receive without expectation.

As I opened up my phone for the first time in five days (besides texting João once per day as promised), I was so excited to connect with my family and friends. The hours that followed flew by on calls with loved ones. My throat became sore as I hadn’t spoken in days.

Ironically I came out of silence to find out we were in (yet another!) lock-down… but I made it home safely and enjoyed a lovely evening with no expectation, now a 40-year-old woman, starting this next chapter and decade knowing that everything I need is right here with me. Taking the time to slow down, be with myself -- all of me 

Closing Thoughts
My dance with silence began in 2009. I spent 10 days in silence on a Vipassana retreat in Sweden, one of the hardest and most powerful things I’d ever done in my then 28 years of life, and an experience that paved the way for a life-long practice. 

I started meditating regularly and while it would take years until I discovered the bliss of a daily practice, I had been to the well and I knew how to fetch my own fulfillment; it has been inside me all along. 
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Taking small or longer periods of silence is known as the sacred practice of mouna. In today’s “Age of Overstimulation” taking silence can seem daunting, so think of it as taking time for yourself. It’s not just about being quiet but about reducing and or removing external stimuli to be with yourself and tune in. 

Let me know if you practice silence, how you do it and tips and / or ideas you gained from this essay! 

And THANK YOU;-)