The dark side of success

Article edited by Filipe Rocha, Center for Human Flourishing

The Illusion: The Race to the Top

​My heart buzzes with excitement and possibility in this picture-perfect New England summer day. Not a cloud in the sky, a gentle breeze and a comfortable 78 degrees. The kind of day we suffer those long winters for. 

I was thrilled to be joining my team on our annual summer outing sailing along the Boston Harbor. Thanks boss!

My mouth watered at the sight of the lobster rolls, oysters, artisanal beer, champagne and all the delicacies we could dream of. My boss pulled me aside and commended me on my hard work and incredible results. I was being considered for making partner. I felt amazing. The beer buzz maybe helped a little.

What else would one ask for?

I was on top of the world. I always reached for “the top”.

In high school and university reaching for the top meant getting straight As and graduating from an Ivy League university Magna Cum Laude. Then in my 20s while working on Wall St. at AIG reaching for the top was becoming the #1 underwriter (they ranked all 200 of us weekly) based on the revenue I earned the company. 

Post MBA (from MIT Sloan, mind you) reaching for the top meant getting promoted and making partner, which meant doing anything that enabled my company to earn 15% or more revenue over the previous year, and then the same or more the year after that.

The endless networking events and dinners meant I had little time to spend with my partner or with myself. The intense and high-paced rhythm pushed me to be constantly ON. I was having recurring urinary tract infections and just kept popping antibiotics, never making the connection that my body was screaming at me to slow down. 

Meanwhile the climb never ended. There was always more to do, more outreach I should be doing, more potential clients I could be reaching, more opportunities to increase our revenue. I had a bright red Prius with leather seats, but my friends just got a Leaf. 

There was more to achieve, I needed to be better. The huge win I had received lavish praise and compensation for just a few months ago, was now old news. For some reason, it no longer gave me that gratification, that high sensation, that feeling of pride and satisfaction. In other words, it no longer filled and fulfilled me. So, I needed more. I needed to find the next success, the next great sale, the next praise to feel satisfied again. What could I conquer next? 

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On my way to the top I received bigger bonuses, participated in ever more extravagant and exclusive celebration dinners. Climbing to the top definitely had its perks.

​But at what cost? ​

The Reality: the (Rat) Race

I soon realized with this insatiable desire for MORE, the reach for the top was always in sight but always just out of reach. 

Constantly reaching for an exponential and unattainable goal kept me from being at peace with myself. I was constantly chasing the “dangling carrots” of more praise, more accomplishment, more recognition and more money. I was filling myself up on these false substitutes for happiness, and never getting full. 

Maybe you can relate?

More importantly this “race to the top” and myopic focus on financial gain alone led to company decisions that were based on selfish personal gain and often led to unethical behavior. 

Company parties and booze-infused networking events often resulted in extra-marital shenanigans; we promised “the world” to the clients at the pitch meeting to win the deal, but the delivery didn’t always add up. 

It was easy to get swept up in all this. I mean everyone else was doing it so...

After the boat docked the party continued. We landed with happy hour and hours later we closed the bar. We then continued at a colleague’s home nearby and needless to say the sun- and booze-filled day left me dehydrated. At some ungodly hour I was vomiting over my colleague’s kitchen sink with another colleague holding my hair. Was this “the top”?

The “highs” of winning big deals and getting promotions, even these reckless nights out on the company dime meant nothing compared to the “lows” of a deep inner knowing that something was really wrong. I had come to truly care for my colleagues and clients. I could see this pressure to reach the top and the “short cuts” they’d been taking to get there was taking a toll on them. I could tell because it took a toll on me. I wasn’t sleeping well. I spent weekends drinking and doing recreational drugs, and filling my time with never-ending plans and to dos. I worked hard to numb that inner knowing because I wasn’t ready to accept that my whole life I had been in a race to “the top”, a top that in fact didn’t exist.

I did, fortunately, have my regular yoga practice, one I started in high school and had luckily kept up over the years. Yoga grounded me in self-inquiry. It was during my yoga practice I had a glimpse into something more than this race to the top. In these moments of being with the present and being with myself, I could hear and feel this inner knowing. 

I started to listen.

Elevating Consciousness: Living Truth

Meanwhile, my partner João and I got engaged and in considering a location for our destination wedding we took an exploratory trip to João’s native Azores Islands. Even though I had traveled to nearly 40 countries, I had never seen a place so rich in natural beauty, culture and delectable fresh cuisine. 

After that trip I came home from a tough day at work and felt the harsh reality of the world (prison) I had created. I felt so defeated. I had worked hard to build something I now didn’t believe in nor want to be a part of. I didn’t need the country club membership or the house on the Cape. And I certainly didn’t need the miserable life (broken marriages and substance abuse) that went along with it all. There had to be another way.

After hearing me complain for the umpteenth time about all this João asked me, “So what makes you feel complete? What gives meaning to every day?”

The conversations that followed in those 18 months leading up to the wedding turned our wedding planning trip into a life planning trip and is where the story of MINUVIDA begins…

Questions to you dear reader: 

• Can you relate? 
• What is "the top" for you? 
• How do you live your truth?