You are not your thoughts. Repeat, “I am not my thoughts”. 

“Well, wait a minute,” says one of our executive leadership participants on a recent call. “I have a thought, I take an action, then another action and another thought. Someone else isn’t having those thoughts, so how am I not my thoughts?”

“If you’re having the thought, then how can you BE the thought?," I reply. "You are the awareness behind the thought."

(Cue confused look with a mix of “Aha!” and a bit of “Wait, what?!”)

I think therefore I am... NOT my thoughts
French philosopher René Descartes coined the term Cogito ergo sum, or “I think therefore I am.” He believed that thoughts are evidence we exist.

However, if we are aware of our thoughts, how can we be the thoughts? If we hear the voice in our head, are we not the awareness behind the voice? 

“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” — Eckhart Tolle

The average person has between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts per day, according to a 2005 study by the National Science Foundation. But what’s thought-provoking about the research (pun intended!) is that 80% of thoughts are negative or fear-based, and 95% of thoughts are repetitive. 

While that may sound shocking, it’s evidence of our “Negativity Bias” and why we’re far more likely to focus on an insult amidst a stream of compliments or to focus on a small failure in a career full of successes. 

Our brains are wired to look for problems and detect threats, an evolutionary gain that kept our ancestors alive and able to detect and run away from predators or danger. Now we have to consciously work harder to stay “above the line”. ​

Hacking our negativity bias
The Four Noble Truths (the core teachings in Buddhism) summarized below highlight a way out of negativity and give us a starting point to explore the deeper questions of who we are.

1. Suffering is inevitable
2. The cause of suffering is attachment
3. We can end the cause of suffering through detachment
4. Detachment comes by following the Eightfold path 

We signed up for our suffering
Let’s consider the first point that suffering is inevitable. During our lives there will be loss, challenges, moments of despair. Suffering is inevitable, but why? 

One theory of why we exist is that we are born for our soul to go to “Earth school” and our experiences are things we signed up for; courses in “Grief, Forgiveness, Despair,” for example. We can consider those of us who have experienced serious traumas as getting “masters and PhDs” in these lessons as we move and evolve toward higher consciousness. 

If reading this makes you upset and think, “how could my painful experience with (death, loss, betrayal, violation, etc.) be something I signed up for, this is ludicrous!”, bear with me and let’s take a moment to consider the second point. ​

We all do it. The voice in our heads is the meanest, most critical and nastiest against oneself. If you’ve ever been yelled at or on the receiving end of spiteful and mean behavior, you’re only getting a taste of how this person treats themselves.

The way we treat ourselves translates directly into how we treat our planet (and vice versa). In order to find love and compassion for our “various parts”, we need to be aware of our inner critics and the parts within ourselves we don’t want to see or accept. 

Even I fall victim to this “beating myself up” behavior

Recently I made a familiar mistake. I learned (again) that I need to keep boundaries in place so as not to burnout and “over-give”. I’ve learned this lesson about a million times before. 

I started down the same, “Oh you idiot, I can’t believe you did this again… you should know better”. Mindful awareness allowed me to identify that I was being too hard on myself. But sometimes recognition alone isn’t enough and the self-loathing and frustration can feel like a deep pit you’re unable to dig yourself out of.
​
However, beating yourself up is the most SELFISH and EGOTISTICAL thing you do 

When we get upset with ourselves, we are really just disappointed that we are not fitting our idealized image of ourselves. Or worse, that our self-image is shattered. This can be the biggest letdown. 

“It is mere [selfishness] to be inconsolable at seeing one’s own imperfections; but to stand face to face with them, neither flattering nor tolerating them, seeking to correct oneself without becoming pettish - this is to desire what is good for its own sake” - Fenelon as quoted by Huxley in Perennial Philosophy. 

​In releasing our attachment to the image of who we are, i.e. letting go of attachment to ego, we are able to accept our whole selves. 

The ancient texts from India are pretty clear about the need to stay away from attachment; “Attachment breeds desire, the lust of possession that burns to anger. Anger clouds the judgement; you can no longer learn from past mistakes. Lost is the power to choose between what is wise and what is unwise, and your life is utter waste.” (Bhagavad Gita, 2.62)

Recognizing we are not our thoughts

We are not our thoughts. We are not the voice(s) we hear in our heads. So who are we? 

“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” — Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

“Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Suffering follows an evil thought as the wheels of a cart follow the oxen that draw it. Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves.” (Dhammapada, 1.1-2)

The next time you hear that self-criticizing voice in your head, ask yourself what you’re really upset about, and who’s really affected. And ask yourself, where am I putting my energy? Is this where I want to be placing it? 

The path to self-love and compassion starts with a letting go of and a detachment from ego. 

“Those who see all creatures in themselves and themselves in all creatures know no grief. How can the multiplicity of life delude the one who sees it’s unity?” (Isha Upanishad, 6)